She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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