Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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