I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
