dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
