mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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