When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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