She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
