It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
