Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just high enough for therapy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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