I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
