PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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