in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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