Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
