Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
