can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
