I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
