Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
