She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
