Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
