god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
