You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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