This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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