I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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