I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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