ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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