how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
