I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
