Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
wow bdsm is so cute
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
