i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
