WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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