Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
