just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
my liver is dry heaving
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
