I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
