Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
