Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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