i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
