epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
