i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
