@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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