You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
