Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
