So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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