i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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