dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
