Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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