I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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