He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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