Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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