I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize