You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
