I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You smell like stripper and shame
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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