I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
