I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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