Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
