if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
