I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize